Horizons

This year has given me lots of opportunities to travel inside and out of the country. Most of my life I take a trip every other year to somewhere near a beach, but this year has been very different. I went to Boston to visit schools and celebrate my birthday in a city I didn't recognize. I was able to fly to spend a weekend at a college and experience fall on the east coast. This weekend I got the opportunity to go to Tennessee with my family to watch my brother play football.
Tennesse isn't like the other trips I've been on. There was much less sun and shorts and a lot more wilderness to explore. Our hotel sat on top of one of the most beautiful mountains I've ever seen (also, one of the only). There was no horizon, simply another peak across a valley. The colorful fall leaves on the mountains was breathtaking. I bundled up and breathed in the crisp air, rather than sunbathing and swimming.
Most of the weekend was spent with my brother's football team sightseeing and playing games. The last day we spent in Pigeon Forge was spent getting away from the tourism and seeing some of the scenery that was so abundant around us. There was no rush to get somewhere and we could leisurely drive up the mountainside. The top changed the way I viewed the world. Ohio is known for the flat farmland that it is. I have lived a life where the sky could touch the Earth. In Tennesse, the Earth touches the sky. It is a small distinction, but a life-changing one.
Experiences like these should fulfill my wanderlust, but instead, it simply fuels it. Returning home makes my mind stir. It leaves me time to think about where I will go next. I am never content sitting still. I want to see what the rest of the world has to offer me. I want to experience something that will change the way I view the world. I feel I have been cramped into this small corner and all I want is to break free.

Getting Ahead

"Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." - Lao Tzu
This quote flashed at the bottom of my online task list. I felt the need to write something about it. It puts my thoughts about life neatly into nine small words.
An example that comes to mind is the idea of holding a glass of water. At first, it is simply a glass of water, it is not heavy. After carrying it for an hour or two, your arm will start to fall and your muscles will cramp. Suddenly, this simple glass of water is as painful as carrying a two hundred pound weight. Hold it for long enough and it will eventually fall and shatter.
In my life, I live by a plan. My week is mapped out for me by Sunday night. I am able to account for things that will throw others into a whirlwind.
I was raised around my anxiety driven, OCD diagnosed grandmother and her six children who follow much too closely in her footsteps. They are all spontaneous and want to go out on a random Saturday morning to the zoo. Every next step is unknown and yet, they worry about every single one.
I am no exception. I was raised in this family of not-exactly-sane people. I am not-exactly-sane. The difference between my grandmother who is constantly so stressed out she can't stop shaking and me, is I am aware of what will happen if I don't have my next three steps planned out. I have witnessed it seven times over. It is terrifying.
The quote "Deal with the big while it is still small." points out that things will not get any easier. If you put something small off for long enough, it becomes something much larger. It can grow physically as in cleaning, or mentally, as in putting off a paper until the day before it is due. The paper is no bigger than it was before, but the stress surrounding it has multiplied.
I'm going to pin this quote on my thought board because it is a great thing to live by. Finish what needs to be done before it becomes something you can't handle. No matter how big it seems not, it will only get worse until you do something about it.

Getting Back to Normal

These past few weeks I have been very busy. Most of it has been catching up from the few days I was out on vacation, but some of it is just a lot of things being thrown at me at once.
I've finally properly started my new job. I'm getting schedules the hours that I need to be able to pay for what I am responsible for. Although I'm making more money, it is also taking a lot more of my time. This leaves a lot less time for what I need to accomplish both in my academic life and my personal one.
All of my classes are coming to a head. There is a pause in each of my classes for assessment and it is all coming at the same time. None of my classes are too much for me to handle, but it is difficult when they all expect me to finish a chapter in each one.
Weeks like these are always the hardest. There is so much to do and not nearly enough time to do it.
I am beginning the slow process of adjusting to my new schedule. My classes are moving on and slowing down and I am prepared to plan ahead. I am finally going to be able to return to comfort. I haven't had the time to read my own books or perfect my solo until now. I am finally returning to the things I love and giving myself ample time to decompress and enjoy my senior year of high school.
I have a bag full of books I purchased so very long ago waiting at the foot of my bed for me to begin them. I have been distracted by everything, but maybe now I will finish at least one. I also have time to reconnect with my saxophone and relearn how to make it sound beautiful again. It has been so long since the combination of us has produced something close to music. I feel this depravity in my life. I feel the urge to sing simply to fill my surroundings with music.
I finally have time to myself and I am ready to use it.

Boring

I've come to terms with the fact that I am a fairly boring person. Like all things you must come to terms with, I hate this thought.
I know what I like. I like an early bedtime, 8:30 and I am essentially dead to the world. I don't like almost any food. I'm very picky and anything spicy, greasy, weirdly textured, odorous or simply visually unappealing is off the table for me. I avoid scary movies and can only endure so much thrill. I'm very conservative on my views of a good time. To me, I am a huge fan of book clubs or trips for coffee. I can't honestly say that I enjoy going out to a party and being surrounded by pure stupidity.
So, I am a boring person.
However, I think I am interesting where it matters. My conversations don't end with the weather, but successfully take on meaning. I put no value into small talk. I know the smallest corners that provide once in a lifetime experiences. I savor the future and build to it. I am not conventionally fun, but I find fun where fun finds me. I do what I enjoy because of my strong belief in internal happiness, a feeling of joy that comes only from yourself. I don't need other people to ensure that I am happy.
I don't need those around me to think I am anything more than I am. I will not attempt to make someone else think differently of me at my own expense. Those that think like me are the people I want to be surrounded by regardless. If I am boring to most, then I will find my own fun.
In reality, I am simply happy without extra things in my life. People and experiences are all I need to enjoy myself. Substances and unhealthy activities are unnecessary and provide an escape rather than immersion. I want to know the world around me with my own clear mind.
The only goal we should have in life is to be happy with ourselves, rather than focusing on how others think of us.