A Reflection

Have you ever stepped on a piece of broken glass? The single shard breaks into a fine dust under your shoe. The sound of each crack multiplying until it is one single scream. Your heart may leap just a little, not enough to look back and check, but enough to know you caused this destruction. Enough to feel powerful, bigger than you are. The smallest particles stick with you; hiding in the tread of your shoes, staying. It’s unlikely that you wanted to check the damage that you have caused. It is a lost cause, something already broken, unsalvageable.

In my short 17 years of life, I have been broken, slowly and quietly. I have persevered, lived on. I have survived with few scars. The part that I have not come back from was when someone crushed me into a fine dust and never did look back.

I have always been thankful for the life that I was granted. I had a broken family, but one that I could flourish in. I had enough support to get the things I needed and enough chaos to discover who I really wanted to be. From the beginning, I was driven. My dad instilled in me that given enough effort, I can achieve anything. I have always wanted to achieve everything and, so, I worked harder than everyone I knew.

The long years leading up to high school consisted of instability and anxiety. I came home to a war zone. There was a monster that took the form of a man lurking in the darkest corners of my home. He waited to attack until we had just gotten used to the calm. The stench of alcohol and rage filled every room. It is difficult to admit that I’ve been abused. It is even more difficult to describe the way the house shook with his vulgar exclamations and his face morphed into something that was not recognizably human.

One day, finally those that loved me came to my rescue. There was a court case, a trial, an exoneration, broken glass.

I was left with a dust I could not piece back together. Damage left behind and nothing left to do with it. I decided to rebuild. I ultimately lost pieces of myself, but I became a glass mosaic; still broken, but whole. Something more beautiful the second time it was put together.
I learned that I did, in fact, love myself. I learned that what I was living was not life. It was a form of living that consisted of breathing, but not thriving. I learned that no one else gets to decide my value. My life shifted from focusing on making it through the school day to being a whole person. Building a social life that elevated my own confidence and self esteem. I joined clubs, learned to love myself. I wanted to thrive despite this terrible experience that tried so hard to despoil me.

A My high school career has focused on recovery. I discovered what success meant to me and surpassed it. I have set goal after goal. Each time I achieved one, I would set the bar that much higher. I would continue to push myself because I have already endured the worst. The rest does not compare.

Vassar View

This weekend, I had the extraordinary opportunity to visit New York and experience Vassar College. The purpose of Vassar View is to give college bound students an opportunity to see how college life actually works. My expenses were completely paid for from travel to meals. My questions about what was to come were mostly answered and this program gave me a lot more understanding of what I wanted compared to an average college visit or even if they used these three days to simply promote Vassar
I experienced flying alone for the first time, but met with fellow students after landing. We all travelled together and stayed in contact throughout the event. We came from different parts of the country and had a lot in common. We complained about our AP classes, talked about how excited we were for our college applications and how stressful it is to be a high school senior trying to find your place in the world. Many of the people in the program come from less than ideal situations, but this program gave us an opportunity to enjoy the present and understand what the next four years of our life could look like.
We were given almost complete freedom of our time. Aside from limited mandatory scheduled events and a signed consent form, we could spend our time exactly how we wanted to. I was able to visit their musical library resembling Hogwarts and study in their three story library. I was treated exactly how a college student would be treated and given the experience of living life on campus, going to class and seeing the different programs and clubs on campus.
This experience assisted me in making a decision about what I want the rest of my life to look like. I decided I would not be happy on a small campus, there is simply too much I want to do and see. I also found a new understanding of what going to live on a campus far away from home would feel like. I feel a lot more comfortable with the idea. It makes me that much more excited about traveling for school and living on campus. I made decisions that I had no information on before this program enlightened me.

Picking Pumpkins

It's finally starting to feel like October! Friday the thirteenth has come and gone and, as a parting gift, has left the 50 degree weather and October traditions behind. Only now is it acceptable temperature to wear comfy sweaters and fur-lined boots. Before, it was far too warm to break out your fall wardrobe without drowning in sweat by the end of the day. The days are getting shorter and we are all preparing to shut ourselves in for the next few months, taking advantage of the last few days that will be warm enough to be outside.
I took advantage of my "fall break" and the eerie weather to fit all of my Halloween activities into one weekend. On Sunday night, I dedicated my night to exploring Kings Island's Halloween Haunt. There were haunted houses and rides, actors walking around in costume whose only purpose is to terrify those that are already a little on edge. It makes the Halloween season all the more real being surrounded by fog and hearing shrieking from various places in the park. Halloween is supposed to be a thrill and maybe an escape from reality. A few weeks out of the year where we get to question what is real and be something we aren't.
Monday, I visited Blooms and Berries farm. I got to spend hours trying to decipher a seven-acre corn maze, drink apple cider and go on a hayride through a pumpkin patch. All of the staples of fall wrapped into one eventful day. I took home some small pumpkins to decorate and spent the day with the people I enjoyed then most. We all were able to experience something new and do it in each other's company. The cool weather brought us all a little bit closer.
It's exciting to watch the seasons change and celebrate the traditions that come with them. Stopping to enjoy the moment and take advantage of the time you are given is an important part of life. When we are able to watch and feel time progressing it motivates us to get up and seize the moment for what it is. Rather than wait for life to happen to us, we make a decision to impact life.

Family

There's nothing more important than family. Rather that's the one that you are born into or the everlasting bonds you may make over your lifetime, that idea that nothing is more important than sticking together is an integral part of human nature. It's in our nature to want to love and be loved by someone.
My family is slightly dysfunctional. I don't always get to see my dad the way I might like, especially in the last year. You'd think with my own car, I'd see him more, but with the added responsibility of a job, these things get exceedingly difficult. It's a strange experience not being able to see the person you relate to most on a daily basis. Some days it is very difficult. I feel disconnected from the whole world, like no one really gets me. Other times, It's just a small, missing piece of me that is wandering rather than where it should be. Either way, I am not how I should be.
I've recently quit my job and don't start my next one for a few weeks.  With this, I have lots of free time and get to spend that with my father and family. I am not used to not having a place to be or a deadline to meet, creating a weird environment for me.I've taken time to relax and visit with him. We got the time to go out to dinner and catch up which is more than we've been allowed in months. It made up for a lot of missing time and I appreciate every moment I have with him. He is the person I am closest to in my life and sometimes we get incredibly far apart.
It's nice to have a chance to reconnect and catch up. These few hours were the highlight of my week. They bring things into perspective and force me to pay attention to the important parts of my life. I'm pushing myself as hard as I can to do well in school and save money for college, but at some point, I must stop planning for my future and start living in my present.

Growth

If you come find me a year from today, I would like to be unrecognizable.
I recently met up with an old friend. She was a senior when I was a freshman and I have no seen her since graduation that year. In 4 years, she has not changed. She is exactly how we left off. She now has an amazing job and lives in Las Vegas, Nevada and still she is unchanged. She speaks the same, walks the same, has the same carefree attitude and even the same hair. Four years leaves room for so many life changing opportunities if allowed, but the world hadn't changed her, only allowed her to wade slowly through time.
I do not want to be this way. I want to grow always. Maybe not physically, but I always want to push harder. I always want to be better. Style my hair more comfortably, think about the world differently. I want to change. There is an infinite amount of ways to grow into something better. Every decision steers you toward a newer version of yourself. Everyday should bring a new person in the world to change and interact with the rest of the planet.
A stagnant person is accomplishing very little. They may move up in the world, earn more money, or build new relationships, but if they themselves are not changing all of these things will be without purpose. Life is meant to challenge you. It is meant to present you with problems so that you must become stronger to overcome them. Life is meant to change you in the incomprehensible way that it does. Always, you come out changed and better.
In a year from now, maybe I look the same, but I speak with more confidence. I walk with my head a little higher. These small changes will mark the difference between who I was and who I am. Subtle, but they make all the difference. I want to be a completely new person; an improved version on myself. The best that I can be will never exist, because I can always be better.